exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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