maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
