nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Holy sore nipples Batman
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
