He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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