Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Randomize
