She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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