Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my phone needs a breathalizer
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
