i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
