batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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