I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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