watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
