I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
