Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
