woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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