Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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