Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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