so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
