Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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