she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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