Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
