So drunk, too bad you don't want this
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
