Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
