My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
