I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
