My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
