There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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