benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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