Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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