there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
