I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
