So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
