If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
