oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
