I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
