I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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