He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
