I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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