im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
