ya dads aren't the best wingmen
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
