The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
