Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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