I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
