so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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