This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
