Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
