im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
