the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
That's when you crack a 10am beer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
