so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
