I accidentally had phone sex last night
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
