I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
